I don’t know about you, but I’ve been astonished at the sheer volume of spam email I have received over the years. If only one of the emails were true that I had received some magical inheritance from a dead Iraqi general or Mr Tutun Wala Wala Bingaloo who died in a car crash, I’d be writing this post from a sunny veranda overlooking a ten acre garden and sipping from a golden goblet.
Well, finances are on the low side at the moment, so I’ve decided to write my own fund raising email. Should you be taken in by it, PayPal donations are gratefully received and richly rewarded (okay, I lied about the last bit). Here goes, and for goodness sake, don’t complain about the grammar and spelling 😉
“Please, lovely one, now your VERY absolutest ATTENTION and Listen!
We are ready to release the sum of $34, 5443, 324.77p to you but we are wriggling in great pain. We wear black bin bags if it is true that you are now completely DEAD and not nearly? Could you please tell us if this is happened and you have no breath?!?
Because dearly loved one, we receive notice from one MRS MARK JONES of Iraq stating that you are dead, there is headless body and you have already giving them signed paper to say the American bitch can have all of your funds, wives and wild horses? MR JONES stated you died when falling into huge CEMENT MIXER accident. She said you wrote document for him while twitching, headless and breathing out last puff in BIG CEMENT!
If it is so that you are without a head, please send $132.50 as CANCEL FEE for inconvenient dead notice by PayPal.
A new client calling us regarding issue and show photo of headless body to us but we doubt because man is in flowery dress and not cement! We cannot proceed with him until you tell us you are dead. Please confirm this with dead certificate and photo of your head missing. Then we will know you are lifeless!
If no reply in 7 days, we will give your $63, 244, 4322.20p to deposed homeless dictator charity. Your government will call you traitor and FBI send you to prison for LIFERS.
If replying, be advised that we have made very nice arrangements for you to receive money without torture, heartache, longing, crying or delay.
PLEASE confirm dead or alive. Simple. Send money NOW. We are in shock and horror to our minds and are still wearing black. We have no joy or laughing until we see your headless body. We cannot proceed with other woman, MR SHEILA JONES, until we see reality. Then we know if lie is from pit of man’s bottom. SEND MONEY NOW and stop the messing.
If you are dead may your soul rest in pieces in the skies. May the one be with you wherever you lie down. SEND MONEY IMMEDIATELY TO AVOID UNTIMELY PENALTY!
Yours Fatfully,
Mrs Stephanie Abrehezawanganbooli – Aziz
Email: stephielonglegs@yahoo dot UN